48 Hours Home

(Before I forget - I posted a few more pictures!)

I have been home now for just over 48 hours and must confess that it has taken me this long to get my "home legs" back underneath me.   I was so tired on Tuesday night that I just didn't have the energy to write much of anything but did want to let anyone who has been following know that I made it home safely.  It was no small task on Tuesday as we hit a snowstorm in Wyoming (my two least favorite words in combination: snowstorm and Wyoming!) which slowed our pace considerably and made me wonder there for a while if I would make it home Tuesday or not, but we did - just a few hours later than we thought.  We left a little later than we had originally planned as we decided to wait and hit the New Belgium Brewing Company gift shop when it opened at 10 a.m.  Couldn't be that close and not at least get some merchandise, even if the tours weren't until the afternoon!

Monday in Ft. Collins, CO was nice.  Brad and I went for a run, then did some sightseeing.  While New Belgium was closed on Mondays, we did manage to hit a few other breweries - Ft. Collins Brewing Company, did a tour at O'Dell Brewing and then did the Brewmaster's tour at the Anheuser Busch plant there.  It was a really nice tour - two hours, that took you behind the scenes that the mainstream tour does.  Got to go right into the brewing area, the lab, the bottling area and even got to pet the Clydesdale horses!!   That alone was worth the cost!  Amazing horses (see photo to right!).   Had a wonderful dinner and just some nice quiet time together on my last night away.

So now that I have been home, I am patiently (or not so patiently!) waiting for all of the great revelations that are supposed to come to me upon my return, but alas they have not appeared.   I think that was the hardest part about yesterday....... sort of like the day after Christmas when you realize that it's over and what was it really all about and was it worth the build up.  This was a huge trip in so many ways for me and I think I was expecting that something huge was going to happen when I got home, but lo and behold it was just another day.   And I must admit that it was a day that left me feeling a bit lost.  How could it be that I was home and yet felt so disoriented?  How could I sit here thinking it was all easier when I was on the road?

I think I was looking too hard.  I have spent the greater part of a month - or more - looking so hard inside myself that it just intensified yesterday.  Until I realized last night that it really was just another day in my life and that tomorrow would be another day after that.  That even though I went out searching for whatever it was that I felt like I needed to find .... it wasn't like it was that simple.  Life is a process.  It's never really complete and all of the questions are ever really answered, but I have to be content with being headed in the right direction.   And I am.   By the time I went to bed last night, I knew that this is where I wanted to be, that Brad and the boys mean everything to me, that my life is good and that I am so, so thankful that I got this opportunity.   Even if the owner's manual that came with this trip ended with "... to be continued..."

There are so many things that happened to me along the way that there were days I didn't feel like I could write them all, so here are some of the things that I have left out and have been thinking about.  It started with the first weekend when we got to Indianapolis.  It was Homecoming weekend with lots of festivities going on and one was a contest for who had traveled the furthest.  Brad and I won!  The honor alone would have been enough, but nope .... we got some loot and an actual ribbon!   We got a mug, some pens, notepads, letter opener, a Butler Football t-shirt and best of all, a digital photo frame!  Serendipity!   Guess I know where I will be displaying all of my Gratitude Tour photos now!

The generosity of friends was also amazing.  I got several t-shirts from people I saw, at least three books, homemade gifts, food everywhere I went, lots of beer (again, do we need to talk?!) and to those who REALLY know me well, they provided me with red licorice for the road!   Thanks Wren and Mom!!   By the time I reached home, I felt like I had little bits of all of you in the car with me!

I am blessed that the worst thing that happened to me was losing a pair of sunglasses.  I didn't hit any animals, my windshield didn't crack from all of the rocks those semi trucks tossed my way, no flat tires, no car trouble and other than that last day, really no bad weather.  It really put it all in perspective when the night I got home, Matt actually hit a deer a few blocks from my house when he had come over to see me after work.   Fortunately he is fine, but nothing like a wake-up call.

I loved the karma of this trip.   A friend whose garage door opener was not working right until I visited (I did nothing to it but she swears it works fine now!); the gigantic antique light bulb I bought (trust me, it's cool!), only to get home to my own house and discover 6 light bulbs that had burned out while I was gone!  Or the chance happenings of places I stopped being some of the most profound and memorable. And best of all was the last night in Ft. Collins, when we were looking through a little shop on main street and Brad found a plaque and showed it to me that said;

"Some people try to turn back their odometers. 
Not me, I want people to know why I look this way. 
I've traveled a long way, and some of the roads weren't paved."

Of course we bought it and while I don't know exactly where, it will be displayed prominently in my home! 


I loved the people that I came across - both those that were known and unknown before the trip.  I can't help but wonder if Diane from that first night ever made it to Omaha to see her daughter that weekend and almost wished I could stop in North Platte and ask her!  I hope the young ladies at the women's shelter in St. Louis can stay on track and can only hope that a little bit of love I felt when I got to hold those babies seeped through and will carry them on for a while if things get tough.   To all of my old school friends, it was so wonderful to get to reconnect with you all and I am so glad I did that part of the trip - to try to perhaps tie the past with the present.  It is amazing that the things that bond you when you are young can still be there when you are older and you can pick up where you left off.  The one I was the most "worried" about was the reconnection with my grade school friend, Susan, in Lincoln.   I knew we were going to get along just fine when she called me that day as I was driving there and told me about dinner plans and told me that she "just wanted to make sure I didn't eat another damn McRib or something along the way"!!    It was only solidified the next day when we were making our plans for the day and I told her I was going to go get ready and she told me not to "go all Prom Queen on me or anything"!!!  God I loved that comment!   Little did she know all I had packed for the month was jeans and sweats!!   What's 38 years between friends?!

And while I loved my husband before this trip ever started, I loved him all the more during it and after it ended.  It never ceased to amaze me how everywhere we went, old ladies seemed to love him and engage him in conversation!  I loved how he started the conversation with Diane that first night, how by simply talking to our waitress at the bar at the team hotel in Des Moines that last weekend that we discovered that our elderly hostess had actually moved from Green Bay, where she served meals the Green Bay Packers back in their heyday!   Or the fact that on our way home as we stopped to gas up the truck before heading out of Hastings, Nebraska that I walked in to the station, only to find him chatting with the cashier about the local volleyball scores that he had seen on the local television news the night before!  He is an amazing man (with an amazing memory, I must say, if he really did remember those high school volleyball scores!) and I am so thankful that he has chosen me to share his life with.

And while I have never tried to embarrass him or make him uncomfortable in any way (and I hope this doesn't do it either!), I must admit that one of the most touching e-mails I got from him while we were apart was the morning that I woke to find a message from him, in which he confessed to writing his first haiku poem since 8th grade and he wrote it for me.   I loved that day and had a smile on my face the whole day as we both seemed to write all of our messages that day in haiku.   Those are the things I will remember and hope for again, amidst my everyday life.

It's not been the easiest of years for me.   Some things I have shared with you and others are mine to shoulder alone.   I think we are all a bit like that.   We share what we choose but there is typically so much more beneath the surface.  So now it's time to get on with it - to stop thinking so much about myself and get back to the business of living life.  I do realize that I have chosen to take a rather personal trip in a very public way, but I think for me, that was part of this process........ to try to live a genuine life, to put it all out there, to put a voice to my thoughts, my fears and my hopes. And hopefully I haven't scared too many of you away (but then again I guess you wouldn't be reading this if I did!)   I have always loved to write so I guess in one sense my hope was that I am not just speaking for myself but for anyone else who feels the way I do and just didn't know how to say it.

And to anyone who has read what I have to say to this point ..... thank you so much for caring and taking the time to do so.   A friend commented yesterday that they didn't write much to me while I was away because they figured I had tons of responses each day.  I didn't.   I had a few here and there - a few who consistently let me know they had read what I wrote and that it touched something in them, a few others who wrote once or twice.   And while I didn't do this to make anyone feel like they needed to write me back, I would love to hear for any and all of you - to find out what you thought of my blog, the design, what I wrote, anything that you found particularly touching, and I guess just what it meant to you.  If you don't want to respond here, you can write me at connieposs15@gmail.com and let me know privately.  I am just trying to figure it out in case I decide to do a Gratitude Tour 2011, since Jeff is coming back for another season of football and if I should do this again!

So I am not sure if this is the last posting I will do, but let's assume so, unless I have some grand revelation in the coming days.  I have so enjoyed picking a song each day and just hate the fact that there were so many great songs I never got a chance to use!  (2011?!).   But for my last song of the day, I am going to choose "For Everyman" by Jackson Browne.  I think if you listen to the lyrics, it describes a lot of what this is all about.   And it's only fitting that I choose Jackson Browne as the very first concert I ever went to was with Brad and it was Jackson Browne in Kansas City!

....... until next time ........

Home at Last

I am home.

I am tired and exhausted in so many ways that I can't even think straight right now.  

It has been a long journey - 5,780 actual miles, many more miles in an emotional and spiritual sense - but I am home now and know that this is where I belong, where I want to be, ....... where I need to be.

I will write more tomorrow after a good night's sleep in my own bed, many more doggie kisses and hugs from Matt and Brad.  But I wanted to let you know that I have reached the end of the road and to post a song for today.   Another one by Mary Chapin Carpenter that signifies a lot about my journey, called "We Traveled So Far".   Hope you enjoy and I promise I will write more about the last few days when I get some rest.

.....and then it was time to go home!

Hard to believe, but tomorrow night at this time I will be home.  It seems like forever ago that I left home and even longer that this trip and it's planning was not taking up a large part of my life.   Now it's time to think about getting back to the real world and my real life.  It's both comforting and a little disorienting.  I feel like in one sense I have been on vacation for the last month and have quite honestly not had to think about much beyond my own life and my own schedule!   It feels a little self-indulgent but I must admit to enjoying that part of it.  Lack of planning can be liberating!  I am however actually looking forward to cooking!

There is much to digest about this whole trip and I anticipate that in the days and weeks to come that there will be moments where I will reflect upon moments from this past month and hope that I can learn from them. 

This evening I got to thinking about how I hope that the things that I have learned about myself and life in general will not be forgotten once I get home and get lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life.  I will try very hard not to let that happen, but I know that I may have to work at it.   I want to never lose sight of those lessons as they mean a lot to me, and I know that this time I was given to explore was a gift not to be taken lightly. 

Thank you Brad, for letting me go.  For encouraging me to do what I felt like I needed to do.  For loving me both because of and in spite of the things that make me who I am.  For always letting me know - without ever having to say a word - that you would be there for me when I got back.   I love you more than words could ever convey, so I am not sure there are any words I can ever say to thank you enough.

And to my boys ..... I have often wondered if it's hard to have me for a mother!  I know I actually asked Matt that once and he said no, so I can only hope it was an honest answer.   May you always follow your heart and have the support of a loving partner.  You are the two best things that I have ever been a part of and I am so proud of the young men that you have become.  I love you both and thanks for putting up with all of my quirks.

And to all of my friends who have taken the time to read my daily blogs, thank you.  You have let me share my voice and my thoughts in such a supportive way and your comments have truly lifted me.  I think all any of us can ask for is to know that in some small way we can touch the lives of someone else, and if I have been allowed to do that through what I have written, thank you for reading.

At dinner tonight I suddenly thought about the  moonflower.  For any of you who don't know what a moonflower is, it's a flower that grows on a vine and quite literally only blooms or opens at night when the moon shines, and only for a few days.    I got to thinking about how it has to have something to grow up or on and is so beautiful but not that common.

So if I had to name my trip something other than a gratitude tour, I guess I would name it my moonflower tour.   It required the support of others, both for it's planning and the carrying out.  It seemed to grow out of some dark nights on my part, but showed me that there is beauty to be found if you know where to look or are patient enough to let it find you.   And perhaps it's easiest to bloom when no one is looking, but that the important part is to find the beauty in yourself, even if no one else ever sees it.

So as I wind down and think about getting home tomorrow, I am a bit overwhelmed with gratitude yet again.  My hope is that anyone reading this can look at their own life and be grateful or find a way to go out into the world and share their gratitude.

So the song I am picking for today surprises even me!   If you had ever asked me if I would put a Michale Buble song on my playlist I would have laughed!  But I heard this song on the radio a few weeks ago and knew that it would be included, and as the trip wore on and I heard it again, it truly conveyed how I feel at this point of my adventure.  It's called "Home" and much of what he sings is truly what I feel ...... I wanna go home.

More to come!   Might not be every day but I am sure I will post a few more times.  Stayed tuned and thanks again!

State # 10 ...... Colorado!

Well, I finally hit that 10th state, two days from home.  Dropped down from Wyoming and headed to Ft. Collins, Colorado with Brad.  We got here about 2:00 p.m. so had a nice afternoon checking out the Old Town area and checked into the cutest hotel.  It's called The Armstrong and it's right in downtown Ft. Collins.  Built in 1923, it's had a lot of lives (haven't we all?!) but was refurbished in 2003 and reopened and they did a great job.  It's got lots of charm and is the heart of things.  Not sure how many rooms total but seems to be about 40 or so.

One of the things that was the big draw for me to come visit Ft. Collins was that the New Belgium Brewery is here and they make one of my favorite beers - Fat Tire.  Plus, they are a very green eco-friendly brewery so thought it would be fun to see.  Unfortunately it turns out that they are closed on Sundays and Mondays, so so much for that plan!  Oh well, there are a couple of other breweries we can check out tomorrow and it will be a nice wind down day before I finally reach home on Tuesday.  Plus it seems like a fun town anyway!

We hit our first bit of winter today, seeing some snow in western Nebraska and eastern Wyoming.  Only a few flakes falling but some on the ground and the temperatures is definitely dropping.  I am hoping the weather holds and I can get home Tuesday afternoon.

So as things wind down, I realize that I am tired.  The first few weeks didn't bother me, but now when I get in the car, a few hours is enough time and I am ready to be done.  I'm doing those silly things now like screwing on the gas cap but forgetting to close the little door that covers it, going out to get something out of the truck and forgetting to take the keys, unable to find things right in front of my face.  It's time to go home.  I am road weary.

So as I was looking for a song for today, I came across this one by the Dixie Chicks called "Taking the Long Way Around".  It seemed fitting for my trip and my life, so thought I would use it.   I do feel like I often take the long way around.  But I guess I always get there, so it's okay.   It's getting down to the end and there are so many great songs and great artists that I will not have a chance to use, but at least I can throw in just a tiny bit of country tonight!

Sweet dreams!

Westward Bound

The journey home has officially begun!

Started the day off in Des Moines, Iowa.  Fortunately the rain subsided overnight, with only occasional drops/flurries/sleet this morning.   There was definitely a nice nip in the air though - temperatures in the 30's.   Brad and I went to breakfast with some of the football parents, some of them seniors parents so this was their sons last game and a bit bittersweet for them I am sure.  I guess at this point I should interject and say that Jeff decided a few weeks ago that he would return for another season as he has another season of eligibility (though he could academically graduate this year), so we have another year of games to savor.   We totally left it up to him whether he wanted to graduate or return and supported him either way.  Lucky Bulldogs get him one more season!

After breakfast we headed to Drake University where the Bulldogs played the Bulldogs!  Unfortunately it was not to be Butler's day as they lost their season finale 10-7, making their season record this year 4-7.  It was a heartbreaker of a day, complete with many turnovers for both teams, as I am sure that football felt like a chunk of ice and popped out of  both teams hands all day long.  We couldn't love our Bulldogs more and I will miss so many of the parents that I have spent the last few years with.  Everyone in the stands was bundled in layers of blankets, hats, winter coats, and praying the the unforgiving wind would stop blowing for just a while but we cheered with all our hearts nonetheless.   I love you Jeff and am so proud of you and what you have accomplished!

I have to give a shout out to my sister Wren and her friend Reona who came down from Kenosha for the game today too.  Reona has family in Des Moines so they had a nice weekend with them and us.  I really appreciate the fact that they took the time out to come and see Jeff play and it was nice to ge to watch the game with them, even if it was so cold and we were so bundled up that we couldn't really talk!   Love you too Wren!

After saying our goodbyes to Jeff and sending him off on the team bus, Brad and I headed west, deciding to drive as far as we felt like we could get.

Which puts us in a Days Inn in Hastings, Nebraska tonight.  It feels good to be beginning the journey home as I am ready to get back to my life and the things I left behind some 25 days ago.   I needed to to this.   I am glad I did this. I would do it all over again (Jeff is coming  back next year - perhaps there will be a Gratitude Tour 2011???) , but it is time to get home and I find that I am feeling an even greater sense of gratitude for the life I have to go home to.   My life is full and blessed.  I can't really explain it, but I feel a sense of calmness overall that I didn't really feel a few weeks ago, and I guess that is what this trip is about.   I am so happy to have Brad as my traveling companion and I am looking forward to the next few days when we can have some quiet time/tourist time together before the real world intervenes. 

The song I decided to pick for today is "This is Us" by Mark Knopfler and Emmylou Harris.  Love them both and this is a great song that sort of conveys that feeling that I am feeling today, hanging out with the love of my life and watching my "baby boy" play football today.

Life is good1  

..... and there there were two of us!

Well, this one might be short and sweet as it is late and Brad is here in Des Moines, so the last thing I want to do is spend time on the computer and not with him!   It has rained all day here in Des Moines - started last night and hasn't really stopped since.    Should be an interesting day tomorrow for the last Bulldog game!   We have been so lucky that I really can't complain, but looks like tomorrow will either be wet or snowy!   Should be an adventure either way and now I feel a little bit better about packing all of that winter gear!  No one else may be ready, but I am!

Spent a while today at the AHeinz57 Pet Rescue with my niece-in-law (is that a word?   She is married to my nephew!).   They both volunteer with this great organization that goes about the wonderful work of saving the lives of dogs destined to be put down in shelters or who are homeless.   They have had a great deal of success in a small amount of time they have been around and have recently moved into a new building.  I got to spend some time with some great dogs who need a home and all I can say is that it's a good thing I don't have room in my truck or Lucy just might be coming home with me!   Then after we were finished with our work at the shelter, I went to their house and lo and behold, they have a couple of puppies that I swear just begged me to take them home.  But I resisted and they will have to find their own homes.   Thank you Kristin and Jon!!

Then it was back to the hotel and time to get my room, life and truck organized to fit Brad back into it.  I managed to do that just fine, thank you very much.   I went out to dinner with my sister Wren who has come for the game tomorrow (the same sister I spent some time with in Kenosha, WI), had a drink with some other football parents and then it was time to head to the airport.  Brad arrived safe and sound and so the solitary journey has come to an end and now I have a companion.  Hooray!

So it was a good day and one that I found with I approached with a light heart and a sense of calmness.  I hope to have many more like this!   The song for today is one that Brad had sent me earlier this week and it really spoke to me.  It is called "Tears of Joy" by Lucinda Williams, an artist that Brad introduced me to.  (Though I must be honest and tell you that the one time we saw her she was so drunk she needed a song book to sing her own songs!   I have heard from one other person that saw her in concert that her experience was pretty much the same, so perhaps we need to have a talk with Lucinda!).   I haven't cried those tears of joy just yet, but poor Brad has the next 4 days with me so chances are he will have to break out the hankies at some point!

4,512 miles and Many Lessons I Have Learned

(Warning! This is the longest post I have ever written so grab a cup of coffee  and get comfortable if you ware planning on reading it!)

I find myself in Des Moines, Iowa tonight.   It is the final destination of my solo adventure and where Brad will meet up with me tomorrow night.   It seems like both forever ago and just yesterday that I left home, but tonight in one sense the main portion of the trip draws to a close, and I find it to be bittersweet.   I am definitely ready to get home, but I also find myself a little sad that the adventure is ending and must confess to enjoying the freedom and the solitude that this trip has brought me.  I am realizing that it's a rare opportunity to have this many days to sit and ponder both the big things and the little things in your life without the interruptions of daily life, so I feel like I wanted to approach this day as if it was a valuable and fragile thing and I had to handle it with care and treasure it.

The actual driving time from Lincoln to Des Moines is only about three hours, but it took me about six and a half or seven.  After getting another leisurely start (thank you so much Susan!), I left about 10:45.  I had not made it even an hour when I discovered my first detour   I had originally thought I would perhaps take all back roads and avoid the interstates altogether, but decided to at least start out on it and just see where it lead me.  And I am so thankful I did.

When Brad and I had made the first leg of the trip from Salt Lake City to Indianapolis, we drove this same stretch of I-80.  Things looked familiar here and there and then suddenly I saw a structure on a hill that I remember seeing before and wondering what it was!!  Today was the day to find out and perhaps the reason that I took the interstate after all!

So I took the exit for Gretna, Nebraska and saw a sign that pointed in that direction that said it was the way to the Holy Family Shrine.  Must be it, so I went a few miles down that road and then turned down a dirt road that told me it was one mile in that direction.  I must admit that this was perhaps one of those moments on this trip that truly provided almost a breathtaking sight as I crested a hill and off to my right in front of me was the shrine.   It is an absolutely gorgeous building made of cedar and glass that stands over two stories tall and is set in a field high above the freeway.   It is such a contrast to everything that surrounds it that you can't help but be drawn to it.

I parked the car and walked toward the entrance, which is actually carved out of the side of a hill and it appears as though you are entering the earth when you enter it.   Done in limestone, it looks so in tune with it's surroundings.  Inside, the entrance the feeling of being in nature continues with a skylight and a hanging sculpture from which water drips into a collecting pool.  It was such a peaceful sound!  The history of the building from conception to completion is on the walls so you can read the entire history while you are there.

What I found most amazing - well, there were many things I found amazing - was that there was a small path with stones cut into the floor, into which it appeared that the water flowed once it left the pool and that water path lead quite literally, out the door of the visitors center, down the middle of a limestone path that lead to the chapel and into the chapel, all the way up to the alter where it fed into a larger pool.  Limestone "bridges" allow you to enter the pews, but the water literally runs down the aisle on each side!

The building itself was astonishing , created entirely from red cedar and glass.   The exterior walls are all glass.  It has details like the upper trusses interlacing to look like wheat waving in a field!  And I must admit that beyond the amazing architecture, it was a very moving place to be and reminded me of the feeling I got at the monastery.   Just incredibly peaceful and comforting.  Astonishingly beautiful, yet simple and natural.  So I sat quietly in a pew for a while, thinking about the last few weeks and everything I have been able to see and do and feel ..... and softly wept.   I don't really know quite how to explain it other than tears of gratitude and of feeling like I was in a place where I didn't have to explain any of it, that something there just "got it" , got me, and understood what this has all meant to me.  It was hard to leave but after a while I did. I think Brad and I will drive past it on our way back west and should hit it at night and I can't wait to see it all lit up.

I know those of you with a strong faith will make your own interpretations of this visit, but religion has always been a complicated thing for me. And I will leave it at that for now.  It was a moment that I am just thankful that I was given the opportunity to have.

So it was back on the road...... I must confess to finding a new found love of antiques on this trip, though I am typically drawn to the unique and run down pieces that I can turn into something else rather than the expensive collector pieces that have a high monetary value!   I believe this is what some refer to as "trash" but they are often my "treasures"!   So how could I resist when the sign on the freeway told me that I was approaching Iowa's "Antique City"?!  It's a town called Walnut and there are quite a few shops on their main street.   Found one more piece of trash/treasure that I couldn't resist, so if you ever come to visit, be sure to ask me about the radio!!!

I got to the hotel and got the car unloaded, then headed out in search of dinner.  Not much happening in downtown Des Moines but I did stumble across a Lebanese restaurant and drank a beer from Cyprus while I waited for my to go order!  Go figure!

These last few days have been a nice change from the hustle and bustle of the first two weeks and it has given me a chance to really reflect on the trip and the things that I have done.  As I am sure any of you can tell who have been reading my ramblings, there was a large portion of this trip that had to do with going out into the world to figure out who I was and where I belonged.   Welcome to my mid-life crisis I guess!  Not sure I should admit that, but there I go with that honesty thing again!

So I have thought these last few days about what I have learned.  A lot!  

I've learned that when you are going to pack for a trip like this, get together everything you think ou will need and then take half of that.  Even doing that, you will take more than you need.  Then when you get home, clean out all of your closets while the memory of living with less is fresh in your mind.  Simplify your life.

I've learned to slow down and enjoy the ride.  It really doesn't matter how quickly you get there or what route you take, you will still get to where you are supposed to be.  And if you see something you want to look at and you have passed it, go back.  You will rarely regret going back but you may always regret not.
I've learned that sometimes you just need to be still and listen.  To the world around you, to the voice inside you, or to the sound of silence itself.

I've learned that we all have things in our lives that we regret or would like to be able to go back and change, but usually if you look closely at those moments, they make you who you are and define things in your life in a way a smooth path could never do.  I think we all have a strength inside of us that sometimes lies dormant until it's tested and then it's up to us what we do with that strength when we discover it.

I've learned that change can be hard, but it can be good too.   Just because something has always been one way doesn't mean it needs to stay that way forever.  Sort of like grapes eventually becoming a fine wine - both are good and can be savored, appreciated slowly and shared with friends in moderation.  They are just different.

I've learned that we all have baggage.  It's just how much of it we really feel like we have to carry every day that matters.  I would rather carry a backpack than a footlocker, so I am seriously working on letting some of it go.

I've learned that if anything were to happen to Brad that the earth would shake and open and swallow me whole and I would be lost for a while, but in the end I would probably be okay.  I don't want to have to know this, but I feel like I do now.  I know now that I would be able to go out into the world and experience it and not sit back and wait for someone to show me the way.   This is huge for me and I think one of the self imposed tests I passed on this trip.  Because you see, while we have been apart for great lengths of time - even seven months when he deployed - this is the first time I have chosen to be the one who leaves home and he stayed behind.   And I think I passed the test.

I think I've also learned that I am one incredibly lucky woman who has led a rather charmed life.  I have often felt like life has given me more than I deserve and wonder when it will be time to pay for that.  It takes a little of the fun out of it when you are always waiting for the other shoe to fall, so I am working on letting go of that and just enjoying what I have been given ad feeling worthy of the gift.  Self esteem is a funny thing.   Seems like people either have too much of it or not enough, but rare is the person who has just the right amount.   Perhaps they are out there - they are just the quiet ones who demand nothing of us.

And the last thing for tonight that I have learned is that I do require some solitude in my life.  I love my husband, I love my boys and I love the activities I have in my life, but I find that there are times I just need to step back and be quiet and be with myself.  I think we are probably all like that.


 Thanks for sticking it out through this very long posting.  I do hope you all are enjoying reading these as much as I am enjoying writing them and I love it when I hear from you!

counting down ......

It's been a wonderful trip, but I think I have finally gotten to the point where I am counting down the days until I get home.......it's six now.   I have absolutely no regrets about any of the places I went and wouldn't change a thing, but just in the last few days, I have realized I want to go home.  That is said with no disrespect to anyone I encounter on the remaining days of this journey, but I think you can all appreciate that.

I actually had a very nice day today.  Slept in and then Susan and I drove around a bit, had some lunch, hit an antique mall and then went and picked up her dogs from a friend's house before we eventually went out for Thai food for dinner.   I got to drive past the old house I lived in when I was in 6th grade - I actually recognized it right away!   It was just a nice relaxing day and a much appreciated break from the constant go, go, go of the last few weeks.   Lots of good conversation today and it's one of those things where the longer we talk, the more uncanny we realized our lives paralleled each other's.   We had similar experiences happen at similar times in our lives, our tastes in many things are similar and at one point I looked down at a book she had laying beside her chair and it was one of the same home design books I have!  I know that may not seem like much to you, but when this is someone you were friends with in elementary school and haven't seen in 38 years, it just makes you believe you were friends for a reason way back then!

So now I pack for my final destination - Des Moines, IA.  I will have my final volunteering experience for the trip and then Brad will fly in on Friday night for Jeff's game on Saturday.   When the game is over, we will head west and just see where the wind takes us before we end up in Ft. Collins, Colorado on Sunday.  A day in Ft. Collins and then it's home to Salt Lake City on Tuesday!

I am finding that this week seems to be a thinking week - thinking about everything I have been able to do on this trip, the lessons I have learned and what I hope to do with that knowledge.  Brad asked me if I felt like I had gotten out of this trip what I wanted and I think I have.  I am sure the next few days, and perhaps even the next few weeks, will be filled with sorting through the mental memos and I will do my best to share what I can with you all.

So as I began to think about what my song was for today, I got to thinking that what I am today is just happy.  Content.  Rested.   So I picked a song by one of my favorite artists, Brandi Carlile, and it's called "Happy"!   I hope you are all happy too!

...... and 38 years later ..........

This has truly been a day of old friends.  Started off the day leaving my "newer" friend Chris's house in the St. Louis area and headed towards Kansas City.   A straight shot west on I-70, the reward at the end of that stretch of the drive was some good old Kansas City barbecue with a very dear friend!!!   Yeah!  Win - win!!   Pulled into the Zarda parking lot and I think I began to drool a little, but once I walked in the front door I was a goner.   Had my usual beef brisket sandwich and it was love at first bite.   Good stuff that KC barbecue!!

The guest of honor at this lunch was my friend Amy.  Amy and I have known each other since 7th grade when I moved to Kinsley, KS - a little tumbleweed down a little east of Dodge City.  The town's claim to fame is that it is the exact center point between San Francisco and New York.  I know, I know, it's a relative measurement since I am sure there are many places that claim that title, but hey, I was just going by what the huge sign on the edge of town said!  Kinsley is a town that is small enough that it has to share a school system with the neighboring small town, so you went to junior high there and high school in my town!  If I hadn't moved in 9th grade, I would have made the senior class size 34 instead of 33.

Amy and I became good friends.  She lived on a farm which intrigued me and I even remember the first time I went over there to spend the night.  I was shocked they didn't have curtains, but their comment was that they were so far away from any neighbors, who would see them!  Whoa!  We hung out, talked, wrote long notes back and forth and even watched Princess Di get married on Amy's birthday one year. But in the middle of 9th grade, we moved again, so it was time to say goodbye.   The distance and the letters got longer, but the friendship remained strong and we always kept in touch.  She was the Maid of Honor at my wedding!  As we each had our children, our lives got busy and while we might not have been in contact as much, we both knew we were always there.   So we met for lunch and before you knew it, two hours had gone by.  Just like old times, conversation was easy and the friendship is still strong.  She's one of those friends that I think I could pick up right where we left off.  It was wonderful to see you Amy and you look great!

Back in the car, it was time to head to Lincoln, NE, to perhaps the most unique reunion of the trip.  You see, Susan was my best friend when we were in 2nd to 5th grade!!!!   As you could predict by being that age, we lost track of each other, but about 7 years ago she tracked me down through one of my sisters and my sister sent me the note.   We have kept in touch since, so when she heard I was going to be coming this way, she invited me to stay with her.   Seriously?!   Haven't seen her in 38 years?  Not even sure we know why we decided to meet up again, but I am really glad we did!  She's a "happy surprise" and we talked the whole evening!  Caught up on our families and the paths our lives had taken in all of these years.  She had even pulled out a box of memorabilia and showed me a letter I had written to her after I had moved (I must have been in about 8th grade when I wrote it) and I had put as a P.S.  "The other night I made up my mind.  You are my best friend!"    So there you have it!   I committed all those years ago so I guess that explains why I am here!   It also shows that I was a writer even back then.  (The other interesting tidbits from the letter were that I had cut my hair and that we had gotten a waterbed!  Hey - you have to use what you are given to work with!).   So to any of you out there who were hoping that they could be my best friend, the roll was filled in 1974!!!

Susan's plan had been for us to find a volunteer project to do here in Lincoln, but she had a hard time getting anyone to get back to her.  Finally, we decided that tomorrow will just be a fun day and I think I am actually grateful for that.  No set time to get up and we can do what we want!  I must admit to waking up tired today and consuming large quantities of caffeine, almost to no avail.  Subdued sounds great!

So we will see what tomorrow brings!   The song I chose today is "Yesterday Once More" by the Carpenters.   There are several reasons:  1) it's a song about reminiscing and looking back, which I have obviously done today!  2) I figured it was one of my few chances to get a Carpenter's song in here and 3) I love the Carpenters!!   If I had had more cajones at Karaoke night with the girls in Pittsburg, this is what I would have sung!!!   Maybe when I am back in May!    So for all of you who never knew just how high my dork factor was, now you do!!   You can listen to it or not, but it's a good song!    (Susan suggested "Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold" but is that a whole real song or just a little round thing?!)    We will just call that song the honorary song of the day!

Goodnight Lincoln!

Babies, chocolate malts and riding up the St. Louis Arch

Yet one more busy day to add the growing list of busy days, but no less fulfilling.  Started off the day heading into downtown St. Louis to a place called The Haven of Grace.  It's a shelter for women between the ages of 18 and 24 who find themselves homeless and pregnant.  They can take 10 women at a time and the women attend classes on things like parenting, basic money management, how to plan meals and cook and basically how to get by in the real world.  Some decide to go back to school or get a job, but all have responsibilities in the home - they all take part in the food preparation, laundry, cleaning, grocery shopping, and there all a lot of "house rules" they have to follow.   They can get points for good behavior and use those points to shop in a store room there filed with everything from baby clothes to toys to blankets.  The women each have their own bedrooms but the rest of the living space is communal.   There is even an 8 unit apartment building on their site where women who have completed the program and have either gotten a job or are in school can live, in return for 30% of what they earn.  It's actually a very pretty building, built in 2003.  They even have a small garden o the grounds.

After a quick tour by Allison, the woman I had been in contact with, I met Elaine.  I am not sure of what her exact title is, but it seemed to me like she did everything!  This morning while I was there she taught a class to the women, took care of all of the day to day scheduling and workings needed and did most of the preparation for lunch today.  She showed me a bit of the grounds and it turns out she is even the head gardener.   What I liked about Elaine is that you could tell she truly loved her work.

It was a light day today as several women had job interviews or doctor's appointments.  Two other ladies showed up to volunteer so between the three of us, we only had three infants, one six month old and a two year old to hang out with while the class was taught.  They were all cuties but I have to admit that one of the highlights of the day for me was getting to snuggle with Jaden, a one month old little boy.   He was absolutely adorable!

When it was between classes, we helped organize the "shopping room" and then when there was another project going on and all of the babies were being held, I helped Elaine prepare lunch.   Before I knew it, it was time to go.  It was a great experience and I think the people there are doing such good work.  Everyone was kind and gracious to this strange traveler from Utah!  I wish all of the ladies the best of luck, as well as the staff.  It's hard to feel like you made much of a difference in one day - or more accurately a few hours - but hopefully I brought a smile to at least one woman's face today.

Then it was off to the Crown Candy Company to meet another high school friend for lunch!  The place is a hoot and feels like a step back in time, but must confess to having one darn good chocolate malt with my sandwich!   It was so nice to get to catch up with my friend Allison and the conversation just kept flowing!   It's always nice to see friends who seem like they are doing so well and she was no exception.

After lunch it was time to head to the St.Louis Arch, where I met Chris.   We were able to take a ride to the top and look out over the city.  It's definitely a unique experience and one you all should take if you get the chance...... unless, of course, you are claustrophobic or afraid of heights!  After that she showed me the town (a history buff makes a great tour guide, so thanks Chris!) and we had a drink at Blueberry Hill, a bar where Chuck Barry still plays once a month.  The street is complete with all of their local people who have made it bit and they have their own stars on the street.

Which then brings me back here, packing for another round of travel tomorrow.  I will head out in the morning, ending up the day in Lincoln, NE but going through Kansas City to have lunch with another good friend.   The "meet and greet"  in Lincoln should be a fun one as it is yet another friend that I haven't seen in many years - 38 to be exact!   She was my best friend when I lived in McCook, NE and we moved when I was in the 5th grade!   She tracked me down a few years ago and we have stayed in touch, so decided to spend two nights with her!

The song I chose for today is another one by India Arie, called "Little Things".  I like it because of the message in the song (many of hers are that way) but also because it made me think of the babies I got to see today as well as my trip as a whole.  Life really is about the little things.

Blogging as Therapy!

Another day on the road as I left Indy this morning.  Took Brad to the airport about 7:00, then went back to the hotel to pack up my own stuff and tie up a few loose ends before I headed west towards St. Charles, MO.   They all seem like small drives after last Friday!  Got a bit of a later start as I tried to track down a pair of missing sunglasses but alas no luck.  So off I went without them - much to my chagrin as they are the most expensive pair I have ever owned and have a slight prescription to them.  Such is llife.
Anyway, I decided that if it wasn't too much out of the way I was going to find that antique store I had written about earlier that had all of the giant figures outside of it.  I had scribbled down the name of the town on the exit after that one so used that as my reference, went to work on google maps and came up with a general vicinity.   Then figured out where to cut over from I-70 to I-55.  It was worth it!!  I found it and it was great!   I am hoping to add a few pictures I took there but it has to be one of the most unique places I have ever been in!   It's in Livingston, Illinois and it is the old high school!  They gymnasium is full of vendor booths, but they are also on the stage and in the classrooms and the office!  It's a small old high school, but a huge old antique store and it was fun to see them do things like hang small handbags on the plumbing pipes and stuff,  It's called Pink Elephant Antiques and there is a life-sized pink elephant outside too.   Also in residence on the outside is a huge old bicycle with the big front wheel, a lumberjack, a space alien ship and the best is a huge ice cream cone that is actually a working snack bar but was closed for the season!  I think it was called the Twistee Freeze or something and it looked like a soft serve cone!   It was quite strange to suddenly realize I was shopping "on stage"!!!  They even still have the curtains up!  A very unique experience and like most of those stores there was some trash and some treasure.  I found a few small things to buy (don't worry Brad, no more furniture!)
Then got to my friend Chris Comotto's house in St. Charles, MO, a suburb of St. Louis.  Chris's son Nick played football at Butler last year but graduated and is now in Law School at Missouri.  Her husband Jeff is out of town so it was just us girls tonight.   So of course she took me to a local brewery!   My reputation preceeds me yet again!  Good beer, good food and good conversation - what more can I ask for?
But here is the thing about today ....... it started off not so great.  Up early, Brad to the airport, the treadmill in the fitness center was giving me all kinds of trouble, and then about the time I was getting ready to leave town I realized I couldn't find my sunglasses. It's funny how the smallest things can really get you.  Called my brother-in-law .... not in his car; called all the places we had been the day before ..... not there; thought maybe Brad had accidently packed them ... he had not.   So I went into pout mode as I left town and was having a bit of a pity party.  Was thinking that since I left town late I wouldn't have time to find the antique place (but forgot about the time zone thing so gained an hour!).   Brad called me at one point and I actually started to cry!  Wow, I was really starting to let this ruin my entire day.  
So as I am driving and thinking about what I was doing, I realized I had fallen back into an old pattern I have so often fallen prey to.   I was beating myself up royally for a random accident.  In all honesty, I do this a lot.  I could hear that inner voice inside my head berating me and telling me I was so irresponsible that I couldn't keep track of anything and why on earth had I even bought a pair that expensive.  I realized for the last hour that inner voice had basically been telling me I was not a very good human being.  So then I spent the next hour beating myself up for beating myself up!!!   Do you see the vicious cycle here?!?!
I know some will be surprised to hear that I do this to myself and think that I always "have my act together".  I don't.   Self esteem has never been high on my "things I have" list and I find that sometimes it doesn't take much to make a crack in the armor.But I don't think I'm alone in this boat.  I think a lot of people out there have pains and feelings that they feel they have to keep secret.  I have gotten some wonderful e-mails from friends through the years where they have shared bits and pieces of their lives and their own struggles - and in turn, I have shared with them.  I am not sure if many of us are exactly who the world thinks we are.
I know I'm not.
So forgive me if I use this blog as a therapy session tonight.  Yes, I do actually have a therapist (but she didn't come with me on this trip!) and have had them off and on through my life.  You see, I suffer from depression.  It runs deep in my family so I think I was pre-wired from the get go. I will only share my story, as anyone else's is there own to tell.  
I like to tell people that I am the Prozac Queen - though it's not a title I throw out unasked or in random conversation, but it's not something I feel like I need to hide anymore.  I've been on Prozac for over 10 years and it has made my life much better - or as a friend likes to say quite often - Better living through chemistry!!  It was kind of tough to admit that I had to go on it - felt like it was some sort of weakness and that if I had strength that I could just "get over it".  I couldn't.  Finally I realized that it's just like being anemic or having a thyroid problem: sometimes your body just needs the medicine!
Yes, I am generally a happy person, but that happiness has been hard-fought at certain times in my life.  I do think I am at a place in my life where I am so thankful and so greatful to have the life I have, the things I have, the people I am surrounded with and the experiences I have been able to have.  But occasionally I do stupid things like lose my sunglasses and I forget that for a while and beat myself senseless.
So why am I even writing about this?  I guess it's because I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog that I was going to be open and honest and share the things that went through my mind on my days on the road.  I am trying to lead a genuine life and I guess to me, this is part of it.  I feel like life is easier if you can live it a bit transparently.  It's exhausting to try to be what you think everyone wants you to be rather than just being yourself.  I guess I am also doing this because I have gotten comments from people about how I am always happy or how I "spread joy" or always have a smile on my face.  I guess I just want to make sure everyone knows the real me.
I know that Brad is sometimes concerned that I will share too much of myself and get hurt for it, but I guess I have to take that chance.  I can't not be me.  I have learned to be cautious as times, but I think honesty in yourself draws it out in other people around you.  And if it doesn't, then those aren't people I need to be around.
The song I have chosen for today is "Full of Grace" by Sarah Mclachlan.  It's a song I can relate to what it felt like in my darkest of days and is the best way I can try to explain to someone who has never been depressed, what depression is like.  Sort of like standing on the edge of a cliff and feeling like you are about ready to fall off into an abyss.  I don't mean to be a downer but rather and educator.
On that note I need to head to bed as I have another volunteer job in the morning.  I get to go work at a shelter for young homeless pregnant girls in St. Louis and cuddle some babies!!!    Yeah!  I think that should put a pair of missing sunglasses in pretty good perspective, don't you?

Hello and Goodbye

Woke to a crisp, cool autumn day in Indianapolis.  It was a busy weekend here, beginning with the start of the Monumental Marathon right outside our hotel!   No, I did not run but you could see it all from our hotel window so that was kind of fun.  Brad’s sister Lisa and her new husband, Brandon, joined us for the trip north to Butler University and Jeff’s football game against the Jacksonville Dolphins.   The boys played great – even leading 10-7 at half time but it was not meant to be and we ended up losing 24-16.  Not too  bad against a team with only one defeat so far this season and the boys gave it everything they had.

Then it was off to dinner with Lisa, Brandon, Jeff and Michelle.   It’s always nice to get to spend time with family and this time we got to add two more to the mix.

After that it was back to the hotel.  Poor Brad woke so early this morning that he is fading fast and I must admit to being not too far behind him.  But fortunately for us we get an extra hour of sleep since we set the clocks back tonight!      

I guess there are no real profound thoughts or revelations for today – it was just a nice day spent in the autumn air and that’s enough.  Not every day can be earth shattering and in some ways it was kind of nice to have a light, fun day.   It was wonderful to see Brad, but in the honesty that I have been writing with and will continue to write with, it was also rather emotional.  More so than I thought it would be.  (I think he was prepared for it but I was not!).  Seems it didn't take much to make me cry last night.   I realize how much I count on him to be the calm, level, stable one in our relationship and while I have done just fine on this trip, having him here allowed me to drop my guard for a while I guess.  I guess that is what makes our relationship work - he grounds me and I help him color outside the lines from time to time.   I would like to think that we would both be boring without the other!  And even though I only got to see him for about 36 hours, it's enough to get me through another week.

I am not looking forward to dropping Brad off at the airport, but I know it will only be another 5 days until I see him again and then I get him for the whole trip home.   It’s kind of hard to believe that one week from right now I will be on the journey back home.  It’s gone fast and I just hope this next week provides as many memories as the last two have.   

Tomorrow I am off to the St. Louis area, a few nights with a friend, lunch with another high school friend and one more unknown volunteer adventure on Monday.  From there it’s a trip to Lincoln, NE via Kansas City and then on to Des Moines for the finale.

Feeling a bit tired and melancholy as I write this, the song I chose for today is "If There Was No You" sung by Brandi Carlile.  I love her voice and the lyrics of the song were apparently pulled directly from my heart to be sent to Brad!   Not sure how they do that, but they manage to pull that off from time to time.   So if they are near, pull your special someone up close to the computer and listen to the song together.  I think you might find it speaks to you as well, as I realize I don't have a monopoly on love!

Goodnight Indy.....................