Blogging as Therapy!

Another day on the road as I left Indy this morning.  Took Brad to the airport about 7:00, then went back to the hotel to pack up my own stuff and tie up a few loose ends before I headed west towards St. Charles, MO.   They all seem like small drives after last Friday!  Got a bit of a later start as I tried to track down a pair of missing sunglasses but alas no luck.  So off I went without them - much to my chagrin as they are the most expensive pair I have ever owned and have a slight prescription to them.  Such is llife.
Anyway, I decided that if it wasn't too much out of the way I was going to find that antique store I had written about earlier that had all of the giant figures outside of it.  I had scribbled down the name of the town on the exit after that one so used that as my reference, went to work on google maps and came up with a general vicinity.   Then figured out where to cut over from I-70 to I-55.  It was worth it!!  I found it and it was great!   I am hoping to add a few pictures I took there but it has to be one of the most unique places I have ever been in!   It's in Livingston, Illinois and it is the old high school!  They gymnasium is full of vendor booths, but they are also on the stage and in the classrooms and the office!  It's a small old high school, but a huge old antique store and it was fun to see them do things like hang small handbags on the plumbing pipes and stuff,  It's called Pink Elephant Antiques and there is a life-sized pink elephant outside too.   Also in residence on the outside is a huge old bicycle with the big front wheel, a lumberjack, a space alien ship and the best is a huge ice cream cone that is actually a working snack bar but was closed for the season!  I think it was called the Twistee Freeze or something and it looked like a soft serve cone!   It was quite strange to suddenly realize I was shopping "on stage"!!!  They even still have the curtains up!  A very unique experience and like most of those stores there was some trash and some treasure.  I found a few small things to buy (don't worry Brad, no more furniture!)
Then got to my friend Chris Comotto's house in St. Charles, MO, a suburb of St. Louis.  Chris's son Nick played football at Butler last year but graduated and is now in Law School at Missouri.  Her husband Jeff is out of town so it was just us girls tonight.   So of course she took me to a local brewery!   My reputation preceeds me yet again!  Good beer, good food and good conversation - what more can I ask for?
But here is the thing about today ....... it started off not so great.  Up early, Brad to the airport, the treadmill in the fitness center was giving me all kinds of trouble, and then about the time I was getting ready to leave town I realized I couldn't find my sunglasses. It's funny how the smallest things can really get you.  Called my brother-in-law .... not in his car; called all the places we had been the day before ..... not there; thought maybe Brad had accidently packed them ... he had not.   So I went into pout mode as I left town and was having a bit of a pity party.  Was thinking that since I left town late I wouldn't have time to find the antique place (but forgot about the time zone thing so gained an hour!).   Brad called me at one point and I actually started to cry!  Wow, I was really starting to let this ruin my entire day.  
So as I am driving and thinking about what I was doing, I realized I had fallen back into an old pattern I have so often fallen prey to.   I was beating myself up royally for a random accident.  In all honesty, I do this a lot.  I could hear that inner voice inside my head berating me and telling me I was so irresponsible that I couldn't keep track of anything and why on earth had I even bought a pair that expensive.  I realized for the last hour that inner voice had basically been telling me I was not a very good human being.  So then I spent the next hour beating myself up for beating myself up!!!   Do you see the vicious cycle here?!?!
I know some will be surprised to hear that I do this to myself and think that I always "have my act together".  I don't.   Self esteem has never been high on my "things I have" list and I find that sometimes it doesn't take much to make a crack in the armor.But I don't think I'm alone in this boat.  I think a lot of people out there have pains and feelings that they feel they have to keep secret.  I have gotten some wonderful e-mails from friends through the years where they have shared bits and pieces of their lives and their own struggles - and in turn, I have shared with them.  I am not sure if many of us are exactly who the world thinks we are.
I know I'm not.
So forgive me if I use this blog as a therapy session tonight.  Yes, I do actually have a therapist (but she didn't come with me on this trip!) and have had them off and on through my life.  You see, I suffer from depression.  It runs deep in my family so I think I was pre-wired from the get go. I will only share my story, as anyone else's is there own to tell.  
I like to tell people that I am the Prozac Queen - though it's not a title I throw out unasked or in random conversation, but it's not something I feel like I need to hide anymore.  I've been on Prozac for over 10 years and it has made my life much better - or as a friend likes to say quite often - Better living through chemistry!!  It was kind of tough to admit that I had to go on it - felt like it was some sort of weakness and that if I had strength that I could just "get over it".  I couldn't.  Finally I realized that it's just like being anemic or having a thyroid problem: sometimes your body just needs the medicine!
Yes, I am generally a happy person, but that happiness has been hard-fought at certain times in my life.  I do think I am at a place in my life where I am so thankful and so greatful to have the life I have, the things I have, the people I am surrounded with and the experiences I have been able to have.  But occasionally I do stupid things like lose my sunglasses and I forget that for a while and beat myself senseless.
So why am I even writing about this?  I guess it's because I made a commitment to myself when I started this blog that I was going to be open and honest and share the things that went through my mind on my days on the road.  I am trying to lead a genuine life and I guess to me, this is part of it.  I feel like life is easier if you can live it a bit transparently.  It's exhausting to try to be what you think everyone wants you to be rather than just being yourself.  I guess I am also doing this because I have gotten comments from people about how I am always happy or how I "spread joy" or always have a smile on my face.  I guess I just want to make sure everyone knows the real me.
I know that Brad is sometimes concerned that I will share too much of myself and get hurt for it, but I guess I have to take that chance.  I can't not be me.  I have learned to be cautious as times, but I think honesty in yourself draws it out in other people around you.  And if it doesn't, then those aren't people I need to be around.
The song I have chosen for today is "Full of Grace" by Sarah Mclachlan.  It's a song I can relate to what it felt like in my darkest of days and is the best way I can try to explain to someone who has never been depressed, what depression is like.  Sort of like standing on the edge of a cliff and feeling like you are about ready to fall off into an abyss.  I don't mean to be a downer but rather and educator.
On that note I need to head to bed as I have another volunteer job in the morning.  I get to go work at a shelter for young homeless pregnant girls in St. Louis and cuddle some babies!!!    Yeah!  I think that should put a pair of missing sunglasses in pretty good perspective, don't you?